Seeking Solo

Because God is the originator of marriage, he is also the originator of the dream of being married. Yet, I struggle with this simply because, while this is true, it is not guaranteed. God designed marriage. God designed my heart to long for total intimacy. He is not surprised that I dream of marriage, nor is he toying with my emotions by allowing that dream to coexist with a long season of singleness. Yet, my life is not any less fulfilling if I never experience marriage during my lifetime. At least, I pray that this will be true by the grace of God. I am learning to trust the goodness of God in the space of deep disappointment of a long unfulfilled dream that originated with him. It is that disappointment where the unique wilderness of singleness lies. This specific space is characterized by the inability to rejoice in the new relationships of others, regardless of their long-awaited success in dating, engagement, or marriage; by the bitterness of soul that has drunk deep the dregs of rejection and never healed from the poison consumed; by a constant evaluation of anyone as a potential life partner; and often also by a relentless sex drive. All, some, or even one of these characteristics may be present in a “singleness desert”. Yet, the underlying plane that lurks beneath any of these symptoms is the unrelenting feeling of being alone. Alone. In our current cultural moment, we dread being alone to the point where we rarely truly are. If nothing else, your phone is a constant link to excessive accessibility to others. Yet, there is an aloneness that must be sat with in singleness and handed over to God, because, in doing so, you will realize that you are not alone. Indeed, if you do not deal with the pervasive sense of aloneness, it will continue to attack you, lurking around the corner of every friendship and romantic partner. There is no place for the human soul to retreat to when feeling alone except to God. Jesus is the deep well who has an endless supply of presence, the true living waters that your soul cries out for, and the only one who will always be available to you. Loneliness is a different sensation than aloneness. To feel lonely is to sense the need for companionship and ache for it to be filled. To feel alone is to feel alienated from all sources of contact, beyond the point of not quite connecting. I suspect that if we stay long enough in a place of loneliness we begin to interpret it as being alone, which then becomes our lived and felt experience. Indeed, many studies have been conducted on the effects of social and emotional isolation. “Moreover, indicated Dunkel Schetter, the effects that belonging and especially close social relations have, are reflected on the person’s physiology, emotions, cognitions, and behavior, and ultimately significantly affects one’s health…Campos and Kim (2017) reiterated that point and asserted that relationships, and especially close ones, are the significant center of the human social involvement, and based on related research have observed that relationship quality and their longevity are of significant importance for our health.”4 In his book Spirit of Disciplines, Dallas Willard devotes a whole chapter to digging deeper into “the Nature of Life:” Anything with life in it can flourish only if it abandons itself to what lies beyond it, eventually to be lost as a separate being, though continuing to live on in relation to others. Life is inner power to reach and live “beyond”. Human life cannot flourish as God intended it to…if we see ourselves as “on our own”…Men and women have the option of living under God and among other human beings in a cooperative relationship that fulfills their nature and makes the corporate rule of the earth the natural expression of who they are.5 Notice his statement that communal living under God and with others is “optional” and yet disastrous if that route is chosen. When we allow our loneliness during singleness to develop into emotional isolation, we choose to live counter to the way that God formed us as relational beings. My friends, none of this is a sin. It is not damning to live in this desert. However, it gives too much room to the lie of being cut off, from God and others, to develop into a lifestyle that is so far beyond the intentions of God and plays into the hands of the devil. The enemy wants you to believe that you are alone because a person who truly believes in their deep isolation is easy to manipulate, to distort, and to use as a tool of destruction. On the flip side, while wrestling with the feelings of being alone and turning them over to God, you can discover the truth that the psalmist prayed: “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (139:7-10).6 It is through the process of meditation and lamentation, of learning trust and clinging to the truth found in the Bible, through honest exploration of the deep parts of our soul that we prefer to leave buried, that our hearts can learn how near Jesus is. We need the wilderness seasons to have the space and quiet to leave the hurry and frantic pace of modern life; otherwise, the toxic thoughts that have sprouted from lies will go unchecked, unobserved, into the soil of our hearts and become a crop of darkness. There is a vast different between living in social isolation and retreating from the hurry of normal life in order to recharge.