Hope Keepers Study Guide for Families Caring for Mentally Ill Loved Ones

Chapter 2: Moving Beyond Grief When we think about grief, it is usually for those who mourn the death of a loved one. Unlike the finality that comes with death, having a loved one with mental illness is a type of grief that has no end date. When someone dies at least their story has a definite end. With mental illness there is no sense of finality. We are grieving the loss of the loved one we knew before mental illness impacted them. We are grieving the loss of hopes, dreams, and a healthy relationship. We are grieving over the impact it is having on our lives and family. We are struggling because there is no sense of closure, and the pain is refreshed over, and over, again. It is stirred up with each crisis or negative encounter. This type of grief is referred to as “Ambiguous Grief” (grieving over someone who is still alive). Ambiguous grief is a complicated grief in that the person is still alive and you have a strong sense of attachment to them. Even though there has been a dramatic shift in personality, you still love them and remember the person they once were. This can create a range of emotions that can be more confusing than those experienced over someone who is deceased. A common emotion that is often experienced is anger, which is often triggered from the stressors caused by your loved one’s illness. Anger may come from frustration over not being able to control or change the situation, or from facing the reality that they may not get better. Anger is one of the steps in the grief process, but it is important to be able to move beyond the anger to eventual acceptance. Unlike grief over the death of a loved one, with ambiguous grief it is common to experience negative emotions due to the continual impact of your loved one’s illness. When a person dies, you are often surrounded by friends and family to comfort you. You share loving and joyful memories together. With ambiguous grief this rarely happens. People often do not know how to comfort you, or don’t understand that you are grieving. Your sadness can intensify every time you think about or deal with your loved one. It is a grief that people cannot understand unless they have experienced a similar situation. Ambiguous Grief and the Grief Process Ambiguous grief is a complicated grief because you are often left longing for what the relationship used to be. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are 5 common stages of grief: ● Denial ● Anger ● Bargaining ● Depression ● Acceptance People who are grieving often go in and out of these stages in no particular order, and you can sometimes get stuck in any one stage. This is referred to as “frozen grief” or “grief limbo.” It resembles ongoing trauma because there is no answer, and with each new crisis the grief process can begin all over again. It can feel like you are in an ongoing cycle with the different stages of grief, but never reaching acceptance. If you feel like you are stuck or experiencing grief limbo, there are some practical steps you can implement to help you move through the stages of grief. The first step is to identify your loss(es) and the areas you are grieving over. Make a list of the losses you have experienced from your loved one’s illness. For example, losses may include the loss of relationships, loss of hopes and dreams, loss of plans for the future, or loss of feeling safe. Write down the emotions you are experiencing from these losses and the stages of grief you are going through. Write out how each of these losses have impacted you and your family, and steps you can take to move forward and heal. Allow other family members to share their own grief experience and losses. It is important to seek support from trusted family, friends, church, and/or support groups. Don’t try to manage it alone and allow others to come along beside you. It is important to find someone who will listen and support you and your family in times of need. It is also important to keep communication open with your spouse and family, and openly discuss concerns about your loved one… Jesus and Your Grief. We can obtain comfort and peace when grief seems to overtake us. Jesus understands grief and was moved with compassion when Lazarus had died (read John 11:1-44). He reaches us when we are hurting, and ministers to us personally. He listens, guides, and when we weep, He remains with us and carries us. He demonstrated His compassion and understanding when He comforted Martha and Mary in this passage. When you grieve, you may need to be comforted like Martha. She needed to be reminded of God’s promises and stand on the truth of His word. While you are going through the journey of grief, spend time searching the scriptures to remind yourself of the countless times God provided hope and comfort to His people. Paul and the apostles experienced God’s comfort through persecutions and imprisonment. David repeatedly wrote about God’s comfort and promises in Psalms, such as Psalm 31:7 NLT, “You have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." You may be the type of person who is like Mary who just needs to weep. You need to feel God’s presence and the compassionate heart of Jesus, knowing that He personally experienced grief and sorrow. You gain comfort by crying out to God and pouring out your heart to Him. Cling to His promises and know that He hears you and cares about you. He sees your heartache and promises to wipe away every tear. He is your refuge and strength.